The Brighter Side of Darkness: A Novel Read online

  Never revealing John's heritage became April's priority. She saw prejudice against minorities and her parents told by her that no good white girl should date, let alone marry, a black man. Perhaps April rebelled against her family's strict upbringing by marrying John. In any event, since John passed for white, and neither Kim nor her sisters looked African-American. Assuming their secret was safe, life would be beautiful. However, Kim put a wrench in her mother's plan because she showed signs of her heritage. Despite being fair-skinned, her hair told a different story, manageable but tightly curled but, and she took after her father's grandmother's side of the family with curvy hips. Only she threatened April's plan to conceal the truth.

  A stay-at-home mom, she refused to work a job, all the while complaining the family did not have enough. “Keeping up with the Jones," became her obsession. The traditional two-story home in a Montana suburb, the large formal dining room, vaulted ceilings, multiple chandeliers throughout the house, and four bedrooms, did not satisfy her mother. If she had her way, the house would have been twice the size. Kim remembered many fights between her parents about bills not being paid on time while her mother went on multiple shopping sprees.

  There were plenty of dresses to wear, but she felt she had to look the part no matter what. April grew up very poor and Kim accredited this to her motivation, she suffered a rough upbringing, having had to endure her parents' divorce and subsequently spending time in and out of homeless shelters. But Kim could not deny that her mother also made decisions based on selfishness, based on her wants and needs only. Instead of April's childhood experience making her more careful with money and protective of her children, she showed signs of careless with money and only thought of herself. To get what she wanted, her mother would do anything--even if it meant using them.

  *****

  The mysterious woman in Kim's room turned to her. The vision then showed her mother in her grandmother’s house. The room her mother grew up in. Curled up in a corner she cried heavily. Then she saw her mother's father and mother shouting at one another. “I am leaving this house, and I am never coming back," Kim heard her grandfather say. Pots and pans flew across the room at him as she heard her grandmother call her grandfather every name but the one given to him at birth. The rage between the two of them intensified. As she tried to stop her husband from leaving the house she was flung onto the floor.

  After he stormed out the front door, the vision went back to April curled in the corner of her bedroom crying even harder than before. Through telepathy, the woman in Kim's hospital room helped Kim realize the hurt and pain her mother experienced. April was crushed when her father walked out on them.

  The vision changed to her mother as a young girl, around ten years old, cradling a doll and lying on her bed and weeping bitterly. Then she rose, stopped crying and dried her eyes. In a stern tone she swore to the doll she would never forgive her parents and would never let anyone hurt her again. Kim understood that her mother's heart had become cold at that point, and it was then that she put up barriers to protect her heart. Without verbal communication she felt the woman in the room say to her, "If only humans could see inside the soul of one another it would be easy for them to forgive one another. They would see the wounds in themselves and in others and things would make much more sense."

  *****

  Based on the visions and the messages from the woman and man in her hospital room, Kim forgave her mother for not being satisfied with who their family was, for always trying to be in control, for putting herself first before her children, and trying to "keep up with the Jones." It was often hard showing her mother love because she felt so cold hearted. Now realized that her mother had never grown out of the hurt she experienced as a ten-year-old, so she forgave her mother for not making her feel loved or being able to accept Kim's love for her. She asked God for forgiveness for not realizing the pain her mother went through.

  3 - REBECCA

  Almost zombie like, the woman in Kim's hospital room only visible to her moved. She took two forward, slowly. Kim wondered what she wanted to show her now. The tense expression on her face made Kim panic. She hoped she would be able to understand their purpose for being there. She hoped she would be able to understand what they were there to teach her.

  As the woman began to show Kim her next vision, her sister Rebecca appeared, she stared at herself in the mirror. She studied the reflection of her face, her nose, her neckline, her waistline, hips and thighs. She realized -- having never understood it before--how insecure her sister was about her appearance. She never understood the obsession regarding her looks.

  As Kim focused hard on the vision, she began to see herself around the age of thirteen years old. She matured, and boys noticed her. She and Rebecca walked to the neighborhood park. There were some boys there teasing Rebecca, calling her Slim Jim and broomstick, because of her tall, thin statue. While the boys teased Rebecca and called her names, complimented Kim on her well-proportioned figure. Looking back, Kim wondered why she hadn't defended her sister. She did not come to her defense, instead she quietly laughed.

  Next in the vision, Kim saw herself fighting with Rebecca over a blouse given to her by her father. Their relationship consisted of so much fighting. Was the feuding a way of Rebecca getting back at Kim for not defending her?

  *****

  Their mother favored Rebecca and did not hide it. April always defended Rebecca, which caused regular family fights. She remembered one night when Rebecca snuck out of the house and stayed out well past curfew. John caught her sneaking in and became outraged. He wanted to punish her for a month, but April insisted it was too long and told him she would never forgive him if he did not change her punishment to one week. He listened to April Rebecca got one-week punishment instead of one month.

  Rebecca would go out of her way to make Kim unhappy in one-sided sibling rivalry Kim did not participate in. Rebecca wanted everything, and she wanted everything to be about her. Kim realized Rebecca shared the traits of their mother--they were like two peas in a pod. Dealing with their mother displayed its own challenges, but she had to deal with Rebecca also. It was especially difficult for Kim when Rebecca would go so far as to make up things to tell their mother, trying to get her against Kim.

  Kim remembered the time when Rebecca scratched the car about three months after she got her driver's license. Kim kept the secret, but once their parents found out about the scratch, Rebecca put the blame on her and she got in trouble. It became obvious to Kim no matter how hard she tried to win over Rebecca, she would never see her as an equal or a friend-- only an enemy. Rebecca also despised Kim's relationship with her father. Many fights between them spurred because of it. Rebecca would mock her as "daddy's baby" and tease her by calling her a weakling who had to run to their daddy to save her.

  After a while, it became more than sibling rivalry. What started out being a jealous two-year-old not wanting to share a sibling with her parents grew to be a teenager plainly obsessed with making her sister's life unbearable. Fast forward to an adult relationship where they barely spokes. Kim tried to keep much distance from her mother and sister, but how much distance can you put between family? No matter how long you stay away and how much you try to ignore, one cannot change one's DNA. You cannot undue your heritage.

  The bullying Kim lived with as a child, she would not stand for as an adult. She realized some people never change. A bully as a child, sometimes, becomes an adult bully, therefore, distancing herself, was the best possible solution. But even with as large as the world is, she could not distance herself enough. Rebecca became a bitter adult, unable to give love and receive love. She never married. Kim always felt it was because she closed her heart to others. What made her so closed in and cold-hearted? She knew despite all, she would have to forgive her family. She would have to put aside all the differences--that night was about a fight for her soul. She would forgive all who hurt her and ask God to forgive her for all whom she'd hurt.

 
*****

  She forgave Rebecca for making her feel unloved. She forgave her for the one-sided rivalry. She forgave her for her unpleasantness and for causing them to waste so much time fighting. She let go of the fact they were unable to experience the closeness of sisters. She forgave Rebecca for giving her father so much heartache over the years and for letting her jealousy of her and her father's relationship hinder their relationship. She was relieved she could forgive her sister for those things. It was long overdue.

  Then she asked God for forgiveness for her role in the constant competition and for not coming to Rebecca's aid when she was being teased by the neighborhood kids. She asked God's forgiveness for not having more sympathy on Rebecca's feelings and for not loving her despite all. She asked forgiveness for feeling kind of good when Rebecca was teased by the neighborhood kids. She understood she had been selfish and wrong. She should not have taken pleasure in someone else being teased and bullied. Everyone is special and loved by God. No one deserves to be called names no matter what. Even adults sometimes needed to be reminded.

  .

  4 - CHAD

  Once Kim let go and forgave her sister and mother, long night still awaited. Fortunately, the weight of the burden slowly lifting from her heart. The intensity in her guests' eyes proved that things were going to become harder, and that forgiving would take the strength in her body. All three of them stood together in a circle holding hands to show her the next vision. The man in the room looked at her, and lights shot out of his eyes. Not blinding lights though, and as she stared into the lights, her first love, Chad Engle appeared.

  The vision showed her the first time she learned of him. In the fifth-grade classroom she overheard two of her classmates talking about his dreamy green eyes. At that time, she showed no interest in him or boys in general but many girls in the neighborhood liked him. As a fifth grader, she cared less about boys, but by the time she reached high school, he started to spark interest in her. She wanted to hold on tight that night as she believed the road to forgiveness got a lot bumpier.

  *****

  She placed the family photo, once again, close to her bosom and held it as if she held on to dear life. She may have been alone in the room--except for the three people only she could see--but her family, her husband and children, were with her in spirit. The one person missing from the photo was her deceased ex-husband.

  She reminisced on her relationship with Chad--the good, the bad, and the ugly. If she could not obtain heaven, she at least wanted peace. She did not want to hate. She wanted to be set free from any shackles. She had to forgive Chad.

  She married her childhood sweetheart. They met in middle school, although she did not notice him until high school. Her first crush, two years her senior, in her sister Rebecca's class. He lived in the neighborhood--two streets from hers--and their mothers belonged to the same Windsor Society Group. After meeting him in school he went to her house when his mother, Jessica Engle, visited her mother to talk about an upcoming gala for the society group.

  Chad and Kim's relationship started out playful, as friends. By her freshman year in High School they began to date. He the star football player, and she a cheerleader, they had become the envy of the school. They made a beautiful couple, the couple everyone rooted for. He won most handsome in their school and she was voted most likely to succeed. How ironic that turned out to be!

  She thought of Chad as a great boyfriend, but she didn't have any other relationship to compare him to. The only other relationship between a man and woman she was her parents, and she theirs was solid as she couldn't see true signs of affection. She loved to look at old romantic movies and read romantic novels to gain some sense of what love should be, but unfortunately, Hollywood and her fiction novels created worlds of make believe. She learned that when you model the movies to what you think real life should be, you end up very disappointed.

  When Chad graduated from high school, after dating for two years, the pressure to take their relationship to the next level intensified so she gave in intimately. It was bittersweet. Although she gave into him, she wanted to also because her idea of love was sharing everything with the person you loved. Looking back, she realized that she, like most women, gave themselves whole-heartily to show their love, but later realized a relationship is about so much more.

  The summer when Chad graduated they were inseparable. One, because they shared a deeper intimate connection, and two, because Chad was going away to college. He would be two hundred miles away, and she would see him occasionally, some weekends throughout the year, holidays, and on summer breaks. What would happen with their relationship? How would they keep it going once he entered college? The only positive Kim had was that Rebecca would attend the same college. She could keep an eye on him; she would make sure he behaved. She could stand in her place and would not let him cheat on her.

  Once Chad left for college, the two of them talked regularly and wrote letters at least once a week. Chad enrolled on a football scholarship, and since the team traveled often, he began to slack in writing her. She did not stop writing him though. She remained determined to keep the relationship going. By the sixth month after entering college, she struggled to get him to talk to her on the phone. When he came home for the Christmas break, he barely spent any time with her. He explained that he had been busy with football and studies and wanted to hang out with his friends. He assured her he did, and always would love her. She believed him, and she fell even more in love with him. For her, absence did make the heart grow fonder.

  Once he returned for the next semester of college, it began again. The wonderful time they had over the Christmas break became a distant memory. She heard less and less from him. She asked Rebecca to tell her what he did at school to no success. She explained to her that his dorm was across campus from hers, her studies kept her busy, and he traveled a lot with football, so she barely saw him. She claimed they rarely crossed paths. Kim tried to convince Rebecca to do more to find out what he did in his spare time, but Rebecca refused to help. She looked at Kim with pity and said, "Kim, you have to stop running after him. If he's not calling you, maybe he has moved on. Stop being so pathetic."

  Rebecca could be cold. She didn't know how it felt to love someone and they slip away from you. Kim began to wonder if Rebecca understood at all what love was or how to love; she and April had that in common. Two peas in a pod.

  Rebecca gloated that their relationship began to go sour because Rebecca never approved of her relationship with Chad, nor did their mother. What one of them would think, the other would be sure to think the same.

  Kim didn't know which one objected to Chad first and then convinced the other, or if it was simultaneous, but dating Chad had been a challenge because she had to fight her sister and mother just to be in the relationship. They never accepted Kim and Chad's relationship from the moment they started dating, she never understood why. He loved her, he made her happy, and he was good to her.

  When Chad returned home the first summer after college, his parents made him get a summer job. He and Kim did not spend as much time together because he worked a lot, but Kim cherished the time they did spend together. It was beautiful when it was only the two of them, when the rest of the world was tuned out.

  Now Kim, began her junior year in high school and Chad entered his second semester of his Freshman year in college. His parents thought their relationship moved too fast, but ultimately, they did like her. They thought of her as a nice, well-behaved girl but thought at their age getting serious was the last thing they should do. Kim loved Chad's parents also. Unlike her parents, the Engels were in love. They would caress each other gently. They would show signs of affection. She was not around them all the time, but she sensed love between them, and they loved Chad dearly.

  Chad told her that they kept him away from his grandparents, and he hated them for that, but Kim could not imagine them as anything but loving people who loved him and each other. She remembered thinkin
g she would have traded parents with him any day but realized that as humans we are never satisfied. That we can find fault in a situation no matter how good, or bad, we have things. Those two individuals, in her mind, did not have a mean bone in their body.

  By Chad's second year of college and Kim's senior year in high school the relationship ended. It was never expressed, he nor she ever called it quits, but it was obvious. She spoke to him very little; she did not spend time with him over the holidays. She did not know if he dated anyone else or not. Rebecca had, as usual, no information for her and she did not try to gather any information for her. Rebecca had thrown herself into college life, and she had secretly had boyfriends although no one serious enough to bring home to meet the family.

  *****

  Forgiving Chad for their confusing admiration for love proved easier than she expected. She forgave herself for maybe subconsciously rebelling against her family wishes and dating him. She forgave him for making her feel unloved at times and making her feel abandoned. She forgave him for not standing up for her. She forgave herself for not seeing the warning signs that if he cheated once he could cheat again. She forgave herself for her naiveté.

  She also asked forgiveness from God for being angry with Chad's parents for making him work the summer from college giving him little time to spend with her and for thinking they were too young to be in love.